Crush

Crush ¶

This gravity
won’t leave me be
as I fall over and over again
I escape only momentarily
to be pulled back by my memories
and I fall almost willingly
under the trance of my
ill-conceived notions of serendipity.

The scabs on my knees won’t heal
because I keep picking them
forcing them to bear
the blows that my heart deflects
and they open up and
the blood that pours out is a brilliant lurid red
and I feel the rush of adrenaline
and enjoy the ephemeral high
until reality comes along and
sews my wounds shut and
the blood that flows back is cold and blue
and seeps into every crevice of my soul and
I mourn in the frigidity.

I know
I shan’t ever find what a seek
but I can’t stop hoping for
a tiny mistake in the folds of history
to change the course of your life and mine
for time to wrap around itself
until I find
the right words to say and smile to smile and thoughts to think
but instead
time coils it’s cold blooded body around my memory
and sinks its fangs into me
and the poison that trickles down is your smile in the moonlit night
I shall never get to see again.

It’s late and I must sleep
it’s late and I must let
time empty my mind of the thoughts
that seem benign until the cancer spreads
and every idea of mine
is tinged with this terrible treacherous tenacious hope
that is like a chocolate
with the aftertaste of vomit
for they say time heals everything
but they never said …
.